Midwifery is catching

There is something burbling around my head at the moment that I want to get out. Something about wanting to be the kind of midwife I imagine and being kicked in the guts to realise that this may not yet happen. Something about wanting to be more of a doula than a midwife (I think that’s the way I think anyway). Something about wanting women to give me a chance to be with them and yet not knowing how to ask. Something about being frustrated that people who aren’t prepared for hardwork, aren’t committed to hardwork and aren’t doing the hardwork are hanging around me in my tutes and classes and generally getting in the way. Something also about me being a generous soul and thinking that it’ll bite me in the arse.

This is all complicated by feelings of being completely overwhelmed, and also having to deal with the real world. Yesterday was a shit of a day involving me having my car written off and ending up in hospital after being in a car accident. It was an accident in the true sense of the word and I counted my toes this morning in the shower to ensure that yes I really did have them still. The accident could have been so much more worse but instead I walked away from it and am only shaken and a lot sore. No idea whether I’ll get my car fixed or paid out as yet, and I’m carless for a while which is a challenge! I’m also really distracted from important things like assessments and group work.

Did I mention how much I detest group work? I hate it with a passion. People don’t play nice in teams and the teams are completely arbitrary, not to mention too big at 7 people. You have people who take over and exclude others, and then whinge that those others don’t contribute. Frustrations at things like assessments that have questions with no right answer available, and unclear instructions on lots of things, and lack of access to resources, and the money, always the money involved in textbooks and travel and conferences and uniforms and such and yet knowing this is wk 4 of 3 years, at least.